I nearly threw up in my mouth a little this morning. I opened a package from Warner Brothers, thinking they might just make my day with Ashford & Simpson’s “Hits, Remixes & Rarities.” But upon closer inspection of this double disc, I noticed something. Their signature song (and only No. 1 hit on the R&B charts), “Solid,” is nowhere to be found on either disc.

What kind of sick, twisted world are we living in when a best of A&S comp doesn’t include “Solid?” Would you release Prince’s greatest hits without “Purple Rain”? How about a remix disc by Sade missing “Smooth Operator”? Didn’t think so.

I don’t care what kind of music publishing behind-the-scenes scenario went down here, and I know the offering is subtitled “The Warner Bros. Years,” but Warner Music (via Rhino) got “Solid” the last time they put out a greatest-hits package in 2002. What gives, guys? Next time, do the fans a “solid” and get a decent remix added to the package. That said, we are feelin’ the “Over and Over” remix and the “Found a Cure” mix.

– Charlie Amter

Photo by Rick Rowell / ABC Inc.

In the pile of holly-jolly cash-ins on my desk, one stands out: “The Elliott Yamin Holiday Collection.” Oy vey! The emblematic Nice Jewish Boy of “American Idol” just couldn’t resist putting on that Santa hat and getting in the Christmas mood. And exclusively for Target!

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I’m pretty sure I know Katy Perry, the latest Matrix spawn, if only in that “around the hipster corridor” way. We’ve rubbed shoulders at Echo, shopped next to each other in Wasteland or maybe I just read about her in Nylon. Anyway, she looks very familiar.

Her CD is in my hands. It already felled two hardy music listeners in the office, who claim to have not been able to make it past the 50-second mark on track one, succinctly titled, “Ur So Gay.” I’m about to dive in. I will be blogging in real time. I am a little scared:

0:16: It’s starting a lot more downbeat than I thought it would. There’s some whistling going on, given a bit of the wickety-wick treatment.

0:29: Nice first line: “I hope you hang yourself by your H&M scarf.”

0:44: You’re so indie rock it’s almost [unintelligible]… You need SPF 45 just to stay alive… You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys.”

1:39: “I can’t believe I fell in love with someone who wears more make-up than [me]…” Ooooh, so this is an angry song to someone she had a thing with. How boring: I’m more into the hipster rip, aimed at any and all in the subset. On the plus side for Katie, she’s not a bad singer. Kind of meaninglessly vampy but she’s got a nice throaty tone.

2:24: Crappy scatting alert! Augh. You can’t do that for a few seconds and then bow out. If you’re going to scat and you’re not Ella Fitzgerald, then you better at least embrace it for more than 10 seconds.

2:46: The song is winding down now with some keyboard twiddling and that stupid whistling sample again. I’m a little grateful when the song gets glitchy, thanks to the whims of my ancient PC.

3:39: It ended and I don’t remember very well what I just listened to. But, in my afterthoughts, I’m thinking that the lyrics, sassy and all-knowing, didn’t really match the song, with its ironed-on samples from the 99-cent bin. I mean, whistling? Come on, even Peter, Bjorn and John will tell you that’s pretty lame.

So I made it through. The song is sort of rattling around in my head. Oh god, what if I can’t get it out?

–Margaret Wappler

P.S. The guy to the right is A.K.A. I don’t think his scarf is from H&M so I’m assuming he’s not the “gay” in question.

(Photo courtesy Ian White / Columbia)